I guess I became a
Christian in '99 but ever since
then I can't stop questioning
about religion, God and humanity.
I guess that the real reason that
prevents me from growing closer
to God is my constant questioning
and the music I listen to. But in
order to truly know where I
started you'll have to turn back
the clock to '98 or '97. I was a
pagan at the time, not knowing
and not caring about salivation,
caring only about myself.
The change over time
was slow and gradually. In'98 I
figured that there was no God so
I became an atheist but I adopted
a few Christian morals and ideals
because I was an honorable man.
Then I stopped taking the lord's
name in vain (this probably the
starter for the events that took
place later on) all at once. One
day, New Year's eve in '98,
somebody pointed me in the right
direction. Then as time
progressed I made moves toward
learning more about Christianity.
This was a relatively fast
process. Then, at a Student Life
conference in Fort Worth, it wa s
a 2-day function. The first day
really moved me forward but it
was the next day that it all came
together. The person asked the
crowd that if any had any prayer
requests (this is a vague memory)
to move into the isles with the
youth Minster. I followed. It was
the next few minutes that felt
like an eternity in the center of
the mind. We all gave prayer
request but when it was my turn
to ask, I said "I never
really knew God or Christ and I
was hoping that this day would
open my eyes." They took my
request to heart and the youth
minister pulled me aside and told
me a few verses. This was the
time that I prayed for Christ to
come into my heart (a good move
but one I would come to question
down the line).
This was the time, I
finally did it. It took me 2
years to make the final move. I
felt good about myself. For
awhile nothing happened 'till
sometime in April, I told the
youth group what music I like
which was metal. They didn't like
that and ever since they have
shut me out. Some have tried to
change my views but they didn't
do a thing. I'm still a hard-line
metalhead; more so than ever. For
a while not much happened, every
once in awhile they tried to
change me but it really didn't
work and I didn't care.
During July, I went
to a Christian youth camp. It was
nice, but I still was on my
guard. It seems that every time I
display my true self they don't
like it so I hid behind a wall of
silence and half-truths. It was
during this time that the
greatest attack on my old ways
occurred. At least one person a
day tried to change me but
resistance got even more furious.
Sometimes I went out to think but
they sent somebody with me to
analyze me, it sucked (the person
who created the page I'm sending
this to will tell you different).
During the last day of the camp,
I told this girl that I wanted to
become Catholic. She flipped out
and started praying for me; to
this day I still don't know why
she did that. That was the last
of camp.
For a long while
nothing happened. I bought a
metal CD (old 70's metal) that
aroused my thinking. I started
questioning more than ever
(December'99). For about 2 or 3
weeks I started thinking that the
bulk of the youth group didn't
care about me (I was probably
right). Still, I was invited to a
New Year's party. I brought a
tape player to the party and for
most of the time I listened to
tapes. Some got a little mad
while others didn't care. My best
friend opened my mind to free
thinking, I began to analyze and
think about subjects like God,
religion, humanity, drugs, music
etc.
This pretty much
brings you up to time. March '00.
There are events that happened
which I chose not to speak on, if
you have any questions email me
at elfman_75@hotmail.com
The truth about me,
--Brian
Kubiak
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